I can’t stop crying. It’s because of personal loss and depression; I know this. But it seems that all the knowledge in the world doesn’t help. It seems like I just manage to right the ship, and then I find myself in a pool of brackish water again. Not everyone with depression reacts this way, but I cry far more than my fair share. No matter what I do, I just can’t stop crying.
Why Can’t I Stop Crying? — Loss
Recently, I suffered a personal loss. I was treated badly, and now things are worse. To be honest, as my friend put it, it’s a “normal person thing.” In other words, it’s just one of the unfortunate losses people experience in life. It’s not related to the bipolar disorder. And I agree with her. The problem is not the loss, per se; it’s my reaction to the loss. Anyone can get upset over loss — and that’s okay — but not everyone can’t stop crying about it (especially over the course of weeks).
Why Can’t I Stop Crying? — Depression
Depression is more the reason that I can’t stop crying. Depression is a deep, dark pit of hell. What you find in that pit varies from person to person, but I often find rivers of tears down there. Basically, anything could have made me depressed, but once I am and I’m in the pit, the tears often take over.
Loss and Depression Work Together So that I Can’t Stop Crying
I look at it like this. The depression pit exists inside me because of the bipolar disorder, whether I’m currently in the pit or not. The loss then comes along, like a nasty, mean bully, and shoves me. Because the pit is there, I fall into the depression pit. The depression takes over, and then not only am I upset about the loss, but depression makes me upset about everything.
The fact that I can’t stop crying isn’t really the fault of being treated poorly or the loss. Those things just shoved me like nasty, mean bullies will do. If the pit hadn’t been there, I could have just landed on the ground, got up, brushed myself off, and eventually moved forward. But the pit was there. So now, instead of brushing myself off, I’m battling horrendous, negative thoughts, self-hatred, the inability to stop crying, and more.
But as I said up at the top, all this knowledge doesn’t seem to help. I still can’t stop crying, no matter what, it seems. In my experience, nothing “fixes” that. The only thing to do is to claw my way back from the worst of the depression — again. And as much as dealing with the loss and the surrounding events are part of that; the biggest part will be fighting the depression for the millionth time. I hate the depression. I hate the pit. And, for what it’s worth, I hate the bully too. But these things aren’t going anywhere. I really wish they would.